My First Sweet

 I had my first sweet treat in almost two months.  We were on vacation in Arizona and decided as a family to go get ice cream cones.  It wasn't the Jackson town square (as specified in my "rules" on the About page of this blog) but it was the spirit of the family outing that made me decide to partake.  Yum.  Chocolate ice cream.  One scoop on a cake cone.  Yum. Yum. Yum.  I had no guilt about eating this ice cream cone and thoroughly enjoyed it.  I especially enjoyed watching my children enjoy their treats.

But the next day I was sad that I had broken my streak.  I could no longer post on Facebook (if I wanted to) that I'd gone 2 months without sugar.  In the end I was glad I had the ice cream cone and took the less extreme road.  Life is about moderation after all.  Maybe I'm slowly retraining myself to be able to enjoy treats without guilt and emotion involved?  This one cone didn't seem to affect my mood.

Day 32: Hot Chocolate

I'm really cranking now.  

This morning I took Lily out to breakfast.  Just the two of us.  What a treat, to watch my daughter and just be with her and be happy.  We had fun.  She had pancakes, I eggs.  When I ordered coffee I decided to order her a hot chocolate.  Its been well over a month now since I made her a cup and she's been asking for one.  On cold days this winter it was a tool to help get her outside to play in the snow. 

She drank about 10 sips, loving each one and licking her lips with little half grins of pleasure.  There was a giant mug leftover.  In my former life I would have enjoyed adding half of it to my coffee.  Frankly, I would have just enjoyed drinking the rest!  But I would have felt guilty and shame that I am not good enough, thin enough, perfect enough.  Enough!  It felt good to walk away from that table, hand in hand with my daughter, feeling proud of myself.  Take that sugar!  Ha!

Day 26: Am I crazy?

Going sugar free is a very personal decision, one I wouldn't ever try to force on another person.  For that reason, I am sensitive to my family being negatively impacted by my journey.  There will be obvious positive benefits to my family.  Being raised on good healthy food and with exposure to a varied whole foods diet will no doubt give them the healthy start that has been shown to lead to healthful eating later in life.  What I don't want is for my children to be those college freshman that fill their college dorm room with Cheetos, Twinkies and Fruit Loops to make up for lost time.  I don't want them to feel denied.

With these thoughts running through my head I decided to make cookies*.  Do you know how torturous it is to make cookie dough and not taste a single morsel?  Not to lick your fingers?  It was hard work.  I think I actually took a couple deep breaths as I was forming drops of dough on the cookie sheet.  Phew!  I made it.  Once the cookies were baked the temptation was so much easier to resist.

Everyone was happy with the results.  The kids, stoked to make and enjoy cookies.  Brian, happy to have an excuse to make an afternoon cup of coffee to enjoy with his treat.  And me?  I resisted temptation and proved I could be sugar free and not deprive my family an occasional sweet treat.

* I've been making whole wheat sugar free pumpkin muffins for my children lately.  That recipe calls for one cup of pumpkin, and a regular can holds a convenient one and a half cups.  What to do with that other half a cup?  I found a recipe for pumpkin cookies that I halved so we only made about 10 cookies total.  Perfect.  And it was whole wheat flour and low sugar.  A good fit for my standards.  I think this will become a regular routine - muffins and cookies from a can of pumpkin.

Day 22: Tagalongs

I am doing great!  No sugar cravings whatsoever.  My thoughts have been mostly positive and my mood even.  I know the two are linked.  I just watched a number of TED talks and enjoyed broadening my horizons.  One talk specifically was about vulnerability.  Essentially, there is a direct link between human connection (which makes us all thrive) and vulnerability.  We are naturally drawn to people who admit their faults and find it natural to show their vulnerable side.  It is safe to be with such people.  It was motivation for me to continue this journey by allowing the curtain around me to fall away.  See me for who I am.

This morning my children were snacking while I drove them into town mid morning.  Lily was eating peanuts and raisins.  The smell of this combination slammed into me like a ton of bricks.  I must preface this by saying I have a terrible sense of smell.  I can't even tell when Otto has a dirty diaper and often ask Lily to sniff and provide the report.  On top of that I have a cold, so it is miraculous I could smell anything at all.  While passing the Shell station in a sideways sleet/snow I was convinced she was eating peanut butter chocolate girl scout cookies.  They used to be called tagalongs.  They were my favorite.

My thoughts about tagalong cookies were not in any way a craving.  I still felt full from breakfast and didn't have any desire for chocolate or cookies.  But why was my mind associating the combination of raisins and peanuts with a cookie?  The conclusion I came to is that I am already becoming desensitized to sweets.  So much so that "healthy" sweets, like raisins, are taking on aromatic, indulgent smells.  Oh, if only my theory were true!

Fuzzy teeth still.  Yuck!

Day 16: Fuzzy Teeth

After the first week to ten days a strange symptom developed.  Fuzzy teeth.  I remember this from last year.  What is going on?  Apparently bacteria thrive on sugar.  When I have taken antibiotics in the past I often get this same feeling towards the end as all bacteria has been killed in my mouth.  Bacteria thrive on sugar so I can only assume that because I am denying bacteria in my mouth sugar they are all dying?  I tried to get some medical evidence to back this theory up, but Goggle produces very little information in the world of fuzzy teeth.  So for now, even with extra brushing and flossing, I suffer a fuzzy mouth.  Yuck.  I hope its short lived.

Day 12: Toughest Day Yet

The first ten days were easier than I thought they would be.  I think I was so excited, motivated and grossed out from all the treats I'd been enjoying that it didn't phase me.  It is Sunday evening and I actually asked Brian for a pep talk tonight.  At least I know the root of the problem:  stress and exhaustion.  You see, Brian has been gone all weekend on his well deserved yurt ski trip with friends.  The kids were well behaved and we had a fun weekend, but I just don't sleep as well without Brian by my side.  In fact, I stay up too late even knowing I'm the one on 5am duty.  So between less sleep and Otto almost losing a finger in a door this evening it was all too easy to suggest to myself that I deserved a food reward.

I find it incredibly helpful to say out loud what is troubling you.  Often we walk around harboring a worry or stress that festers.  The moment it is spoken, it is set free.  I find this to be common when a woman is in labor.  If a woman is not progressing it can be enormously helpful to get her talking.  I once had a client who hadn't progressed in 12 hours say to her unborn baby, "I am sorry I sent you away (previous abortion).  No wonder you are afraid.  I promise it is safe now for you to come.  Your Mom and Dad can't wait to meet you."  One hour later she pushed out a healthy baby boy.  So tonight I admitted to Brian that I was struggling with sugar cravings.  His no-nonsense reply set me free.  He told me to get a cup of applesauce and go to bed.  Thanks honey.

Day 1: Go Maddy Go!

Here we are.  Its official.  Last night I had chocolate covered rice crispy treats and that was the end of it.  The proverbial straw that broke the camels back.  I know these first few days (weeks) will be the toughest.  I am accustomed to something sweet almost daily so beyond the cravings its somewhat habitual.  Having done this last year I know I can do it.  I am a little afraid but oh so motivated.